Missing

 Hellooo!!! And welcome to Madding Slowly. How are you? Well, I'm happy, but I just feel like I have to share this. Do you know the feeling of missing someone, knowing they're not the same, so you don't miss them so much, yet you do? Okay, just a little warning: I am a top-yearner, like, literally. I have been in love with someone for three years, and, well, damn, I just can't hate him. Look, I fell in love with him in 2023, and of course, I liked him physically. I don't know how the fuck he liked me tho, okay, but also I love his personality, he is sooooooo charming, and he's dumb, but in the way I like it. He would do something stupid. I'll make a face of disaproval and then laugh.  I see my own reflection in him; we're alike in some important things like humor, but opposites in others. He is funny, and fuck, I just have a strong connection with him; talking with him has always been easy. I am the type of person who'll connect with people easily, but not share secrets or stuff because I don't know if it's just weird for me or doesn't come up. But with him, I am just an open book, and the chemistry is so good, man, the eye contact. 

But he has changed, and I don't know if it is for the best, honestly. He used to be this amazing boy. Now he is okay, I guess, but I just feel like the people around him have changed him, but in the end, deep down, he's still there. My boy. I just hope one day he comes back. But I really do miss him, I miss my best friend with whom I talked to about anything that came to my mind, the one who listened to me, I did liked him for his looks, (he kind of looks like Walker, my husband Scobell) but I fell for who he was as a person, he is educated, extroverted, curious, smart but he doesnt know it he just needs a little push and damn he si so much more. So what's the problem?

Let me put you in context, I had my quinceañera party yesterday it was good. But I felt he missed and I know it was the right thing to do, not invite him, but at the same time, he is my person you know, once I entered in a band as a singer, and well, we didn't do anything but just the fact of just being in a band was enough for me to want to tell him. It's like if you put me in a room where all the people I have fancied, I'll choose him over anyone. He'll always be my first option, my first love, the one boy I've truly loved. But I know I am not his and I am trying to stop being such a bread crumber. But I love him, maybe that is why any other guy seems plain to me because they're not him. I know it's cruel. I just can't seem to pass the pages. Honestly, I hate myself for being the way I am. If you're a dear person to me Ill forgive you for anything, and that is what happened here. Let's just say some people don't like me so much because of him. And I've received really bad comments and shit. Also, I think he has lied to me, and fuck, that makes me sad. Everything in general. I really think I should stop. But when I look into his eyes, I'm over the moon, just one stare and he makes me forget my problems, I want to care for him and do all of that corny stuff. I just feel like a part of me is missing when he ain't around. Like is a soul connection. So corny, right? I know I should move on, but there's still some hope for me internally.  Isn't love about forgiving and later trying to become better? But I know I should wait until he is more mature and can treat me properly, but what if that day never comes? I just feel so weird in this situation. I want him to confess everything that has happened, the truth. Is that conversation ever going to arrive? Well, I don't know but thank you for reading, as always, your dearest not at all Silvia.